if only's are all i have

i hate you
i hate you more than i hate anyone
more than hitler or mussolini
more than eating whole apples
or singing in public
or girls prettier or girls skinner than me
or the boys who date those girls.
being around you feels like i'm lost on a subway all the time,
like i can't translate the map, even though
i've been reading it all my life. it's like i skipped my prozac dosage
like i'm in a white straight jacket
but worse, because
the memory of how wonderful it all was nags me
like a woodpecker on the mind
and i can't help but think
if we could only stay like that
if we could only last
if it only worked like in dreams.