my heart is breaking and i don't know why. i never had you, i never even had the dream of you, i wouldn't let myself. but i am still shattered inside and out mutilated to the point of no return and i point the finger back at me. i feel older now, not wiser, not more knowledgeable about anything really, I knew more a year ago, I read Rinauld and studied Degas and could formulate hypothesis and ponder faust and freud, but suddenly I am speechless devoid of even the tiniest thing to say. i wish i could tell you something interesting, something that would put fire back in your eyes and make me feel home again, but i am empty. i wonder how long this waiting will take, how long until i am no longer the me that lives in you. how long until my ghost is saved to the light. i only see dark.